John 3:30

30He must become greater; I must become less.

I find my desire to learn about the bible, history, and language growing.
My desire to counsel has always been something in the back of my mind, to which I don't know what to do with. I don't want to do something because of it's comfortability, or it's accessibility, but I also don't want to do something simply because it's freedom's or possibilities. It's hard to say, because I analyze most everything. Here's what it comes to, I'd be lying if I said part of the recognition and money that come with being a recognized musician didn't have something to do with why I want to do it. But, in everything wewant to do in life has a drive and a desire behind it. But, my reasonings behind wanting to know language, history, the bible and so forth have very little selfish desire behind them. Again, there is the underlying desire to be respected, to come off as intelligent and as though I know exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm afraid there will never be contentment in anything I or we do until we listen to the voice of God, and do what HE wants for us. If he says, "go, play music, I'll provide, but you will never be famour nor will you be rich." I will follow, and I could say I only hope the riches I gain from that lifestyle would be experiences and freedom, but again if I'm submissive there would be no "but's."

I'm far from a good person, I believe. I think I am the scum of the earth, though I'm reassured by the Revelation of, well, Revelation. That sin is not who we are, in fact, it may not even be our nature. For we are saints, and sin is something that is a foreign act to us, as christians.
I prefer and believe that aspect a great deal more than the latter. It sets the standard high, it gives little room for justification, and it assures me that we are beautiful. We are saints, not sinners. 
Sin is an act, not who we are.

Less of me, and more of you.

I've Become An Adjective.

1. like or characteristic of a cynic; distrusting or disparaging the motives of others.
2. showing contempt for accepted standards of honesty or morality by one's actions, esp. by actions that exploit the scruples of others.
3. bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic.

Jake and I were sitting in my room a couple of nights ago, and I'll preface by saying that it's not often these days that I have much thought-provoking conversation so this was a very refreshing littlerarity. Ok, so we were just talking about things and I expressed to him where I was and my feelings on faith and we delved into a wonderful talk that mostly involved him bringing a lot of things to my attention in a simple conversative way. He read some scripture to me, some from Hebrews, a little from James, some Romans and so on. It was then I realized that we were in worship, we were in fellowship and he communicated to me so eloquently to just, "keep going."

Again, it was not groundbreaking or oversatturated intelligence, it was just simple. We talked about love, and he and I both agreed that when you are in a relationship sometimes you have to do things you don't want to, but you still do 'em. I can't completely say with all bit of truth that I don't want to read my bible, I actually do, so why do I not often than to just read it? And why do I do things that I truly don't want to or even enjoy anymore, rather than doing things that are productive, can help me grow and gain wisdom, and actually have some positive benefits to them?

All this to say, is I have a beautiful life, filled with many wonderful people. I have the utmost respect for my friend Jake, he is a good man who truly wants the best for the people around him and I admire his standards. Jake is a brother, whom I respect and look up to. If it weren't for him and everything he had to say, I may not have so easily decided to just, "keep going."

Hebrews 10 -
26If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.

Bitter.

I am bitter.
Rather, I have become bitter.
The idea of money has embittered me.
Capatalism, Idealism... it all pisses me off.

Right now, I am so utterly annoyed by people who do not have the decency to recognize someone else's need and not take just a little bit of themselves and what they've earned and just GIVE. It has been eye opening, but in the most infuriating of ways. I want to give, my heart is so broken over the idea of what this world could truly be if we all just decided to give a little. I know, I know many people have said the same thing, but after finally getting over being so pissed off I'm confronted by the truth that I have not given the way I should and even want to.
I am wanting to move, so badly, and I believe that's the reasoning behind why I am in fact so very pissed off at my current situation. I don't like oweing money, to anyone, not even my mom. But, I'm making such little money right now and I was sick for so long that I'm so far behind now. I hate money so much, I wish it and the idea didn't exist.

I really wish to go on, but I won't. Because it's useless. I can only hope, and pray, that God would somehow find me out of the billions worth helping when I call for it. I'm not one to ask God the type's of things that seem so selfish, not even, "God please heal me..." or "God I need your help financially..." but, I believe we can ask God anything. I just don't think I'm in a position to where I can speak to my God that way right now.
I'm in a place where deserves my observance, my attention, my love, and my relationship. Then, I'll ask him for some help. But first, I'm going to love him.

Sexual Temptation

The following advice was given to a brother struggling with sexual sin: "Like most men you will struggle with sexual temptation all your life. But let's be honest, most of our failures are deliberate. When you provide yourself with privacy and opportunity (dating alone, late nights with a computer, hotel rooms, isolation, locked doors, etc.) you will inevitably fail. Our penchant for 'alone-time' is planned failure sexually. Stop putting yourself in situations where you know you could fail because this is only allowing yourself to fail knowing that you will apologize to God later. This is pathetic discipleship. I admitted to myself years ago that I was a sexual wretch. I come by it naturally. So instead of trying to be pure I decided to be wise. My success or failure is seldom dependent on my self-control but on my living in open community where I don't allow myself the privacy to fail. Yes we need to work on self-control but even more effective I have found is confession of sin, communal living, pre-sin accountability (telling brothers where and when I will be in known danger), and orchestrating my environment to minimize privacy. This would include where and when you go on dates, with whom you live, placement of computers, and who knows your schedule. If you can't be a good man you better be a wise man."

Dangerous

I found the sky, to be as high as I could go
But I'll take my time, I'll make my way slow
See the climb is important, for a dangerous soul
Dangerous should be, a place we can grow

I wrote you a letter, with a story to tell
The Pony Express left its mane on your mail
He galloped so boldly, the dirt rustled through
I apologize for your dirty hands
At least my heart got to you

My claws are dug in deep to this addiction
After all's said and done I've no conviction
The point that I've made is I've sinned for decades
And I certainly hope you'll dismiss
My sins

For the thrill of your journey, may be left in our minds
Though the greatest thrill of all, was we all got their blind
Should we come to abandon all that we believe
The burdens of your hands will speak waves into the sea

For If You Will Give, You Will Get

Don't give it all away before it's too late.
Before attachment drives you and you can't stay away.
Until you love someone that can love you right back.
Don't fall in love because of something you lack.

You Taught Us How To Live

He's aching for pain
Every breath he breathes in kills
He'd rather be in heaven
For his body's fallen ill
Heroes even die sometimes
They go right with the wind
I swear his soul flew by me
On the night he met his end

Come, let us be
Children again, let us be free
Just let us run, and let us love
For we are all invisible

Oh dear friend
Where have you gone
I feel as though you have been locked away
And one day will return
We'll meet again
This must be true
Yes everyday that I have lived
Is one more day closer to you

Come, let us be
Children again, let us be free
Just let us run, and let us love
For we are all invisible

Papa did you ever know
That it was you that made me who I am
And it's still hard to let you go
You've got to know
How much you meant
The night you parted ways with me
I stayed and there I wept
You held my hand
And even so
Though you had gone for good
You're soul stood still
It was there we conquered death

Come, let us be
Children again, let us be free
Just let us run, and let us love
For we are all invisible