Bicycle Rides with nowhere to hide.

I do not want to feel like I just say what you want to hear.
My mind is racing, and I cannot control my thoughts at the
moment. I contemplate God, and christianity and where I fit
in with all of it. I am not even a fraction of who I desire
to be and the intimacy between my saviour exists with a
present gap. I am broken, and I am weak. I find myself
even unmotivated at times, and others like there is nothing
that could stop me. I'm growing weary of the day to day
living, the feeling determined day, the apathy that comes
and goes. I am a sinner, I am the chief of all sinners I
feel at times; though I bear no resemblance of Paul I am
afraid.

The heart is there, but the action follows by about 30-50%
at times. I read the great books like "The Heavenly Man"
and so desire for that kind of faith, that life of holiness
that seeks after God, and total reliance upon him. But I
tell you truthfully, that is not me. And I've no idea what
is keeping me from it. The obvious is sin, but what else
is missing? I'm to the point where I would beg to get my
head in line with my heart, to wash his feet with my tears
because I can bear this no longer.

I feel like my faith could move a bicycle on a good day.
So what mountains should I expect to move?! I know he is real
and I know he is my king, but what about my love bears
and resemblance that that is true within my heart. I am
a liar, I am a fiend, an elitist, prideful, selfish, and
sometimes even manipulative man. I have very little to call
my own, and very little that even makes me a man. I suppose
this is my idea of transparency, but I am at the end of
my rope. My God would you not transcend my life into
something that is worthy to you!? I've not an idea of how to
move forward and farther from what haunts me, the sins that
I carry and the people that I have hurt.

This pride is far too large to swallow, but would it vanish
through your power? This tongue has done plenty of damage
but could that not be healed by your grace? These eyes have
looked sin face to face and embraced what I swore to you I
hated, but did you not bear the cross for me!? Lord, I am
ready and willing, but I do not know what all that even
means sometimes. You must teach me, when I do seek you and
I do with all I've got at times, but I cannot do this alone.
Whatever I have, whatever that keeps me from you, take it
from me. All I want is you, but I admittedly cannot do it
without your strength. I'm begging you, strengthen me.
Give me the want to want to father; so that I may fall
deeply and madly in love with you.

Adapting.

Adapting to being "single" I suppose what many would consider
it has been unorthodox thinking for me. This has been different
as in, I didn't feel like I had to reprogram my thought process
or throw away everything that would be reminiscent but rather
it was like a slow fade of affection directed back towards God.
Now, it would be important to note I believe that my relationship
with Jesus is a continued process of learning, messing up,
questioning, relying, ignoring, drawing near to, etc. My
affections for him are not always stirred, and many times I
wake up and I have to force myself to seek him.

The relationships are the same way, and I miss Jordyn to a
different degree everyday, but I am glad that this was an
obvious step that needed to be taken. The growth taken place
in my life and hers is obvious, and that makes me happy.
I know I was not ready, no matter how I would try to convince
myself, it would eventually catch up to me. The circumstances
added to the situation did not make it any easier, but the
microscope I was under I was simply not ready for. So this
is where the adapting comes in, the "what's next?" kind of
mindset, and what do I focus on for the present.

It's not about someone, it's not about something, it's all
about Jesus. I know when we allow him to shape every area
of our life, "coincidences" begin to occur more and we begin
to be taken places and meeting new people, and so on. God is
many times in this awkward position of fulfilling us, and
waiting on us at the same time. It's become more evident to
me as the days have come and gone, that it is so very important
to be a adequate representation of Christ. It's what the
world sees, it's all that people wonder about christianity really
get to have a good look at. This has all been an adapting
process for me, because being single has left a large margin
for opportunity in meeting people, and admittedly it's a bit
daunting and I want to make sure that whatever the circumstance
I get to show them Jesus.

I greatly desire to feel like a man, that is fulfilled by God
and "ready" to fulfill the role that he has placed before me. I
look forward to the day of when I get to start my own family, and
when Sons has been at it for years and established its firm
foundation within the world. I look forward to these days, that is
why THIS time is so very important and necessary. Again, my time
with Jordyn was wonderful, and I wouldn't trade a minute back, not
one. Just like with any of my friends, what I learn from them and
sometimes how I can be convicted through them, is such an important
process. We disciple each other subconsciously sometimes, I love
to just sit back and watch it when I notice. I think one day I will
be ready for the previously mentioned tasks and opportunities, but
for now I will continue to adapt, one day at time.

Under Attack.

My soul has felt a weight for some days now, feeling under siege
from the enemy and tormenting me with distrust. As I struggle with
issues of pride and stubbornness God has brought opportunity for
me to act against these weaknesses and I have to be honest I have
not done so well. My former relationship, brought
out much of this in me in a good way.

I was taught many things over the past few months, and though
our mistakes are reconcilable I feel like it brought about one
of the best learning experiences I've gone through in all my life.
It challenged me to be real, to follow through, to act selfless
and was a good encourager. I regret to say many times I did not
respond kindly rather my pride shown brighter than any
remnant of love I felt I had to give.

I have amazing friends, Nick, Huck, Zak, Taylor,
John, Randall, Jared... these guys help me to be a better me.
I see attributes in them I wish I had many times. Obviously
Satan is out to ruin me (us) but I have hardly put up a fight.
My greatest desire is for my pride to fall, and in a conversation
tonight with my good friend Jake he really put into words some
things I really needed to hear. I do not always want to be
right, and I do not want to feel like I always have something to
protect. the sanctification process we are all in is growing
more evident to me and my prayer is that God's wisdom would
continue to reign supreme in my thought process and interaction
with others.

I have been a prime example of a brother looking at the speck
in their eyes and not examining the plank in my own. This is
difficult for me to admit, but I need to admit it in order to
take a step to remedy the situation. I've been blessed with
people around me whom challenge me daily, but a spirit of
gentleness has ceased to exist rather in the way I truly wish
existed. When I pray "Less of me, and more of you Father. I
must decrease so that you may increase," I feel he is hearing
that prayer loudly and testing me immensely as of late. Our
faults prayerfully will be torn away from our core more each
day as we fervently seek after God. A heart close to him
clearly is shown in the fruit of the spirit. And, our true
desires I believe are to gain that intimacy with Christ. It
is my most frequent prayer, that we would draw near to him.

The opportunity before us (Sons of God) and those close to
us is one that requires the utmost reliance on our Heavenly
Father and this will be a process. I pray we would be
disciplined in diligently seeking him. Thank you to all of
my amazing friends for challenging me each day to truly seek
after Jesus; take us to the cross so we could could be
reminded of the grace you spilled out for us Father.

Sincerely,
Aaron.

Tears.

My tears have hardly ceased for the past two hours.
As I was watching "Hotel Rwanda," the reality sank in
deep into my soul of how ashamed I am. I walk around
here in the United States as I watch images of genocide
and war everyday, and do nothing. Boldly I have stayed
in my home, enjoying the luxuries of America while they
still last yet millions go hungry, millions are forced
to do labor, and even worse millions are killed.

The genocide that took place in Rwanda in 1994 took
the lives of nearly 1 million people. And here we are,
reading this blog, and saying to ourselves, "oh no, that's
so terrible!" Let me stop you right there, and I want
you to listen very closely to the following words.
Shut your mouth. And if you intend on opening it, my
suggestion to you is to do something with it. "Yes, yes
I know Aaron, but what!?" There are resources and
organizations around the WORLD that should be overflowing
with volunteers and people willing to help, but we
are fine here. We have our jobs, we have our failing
economy, we have our families. But what about them!?

What about the hundreds of thousands of children in slavery
today, kidnapped by the militia that are brainwashed into
believing killing as many people as they can will be honorable.
These are children! Many of whom haven't even reached double
digits in age! And what gets me is, America, the police of
the world, haven't done anything to stop all this. And for
Rwandans, no voice was heard, the cries of the oppressed were
heard by God but certainly not by us.
So, Katrina hits us and it's the end of the world; a
natural disaster that couldn't be stopped. But instead
we have the power and resources to end things like this
from happening and we turn a deaf ear.

My days of sitting back and watching are over, I swear
to you this. I will never sit back and say to myself again
"I wish I could have done something." I serve a God who
is far greater than for me to think I am helpless. He has
told me I can move mountains if only I have the faith of
a mustard seed! I would stand in the midst of fire if it
meant one child go unharmed. I will be strengthened by my
Heavenly Father who transcends any life or death on earth.
I will take the gospel to the far reaches of the earth,
because when I die I do not want to look down and see my
pocket book empty from all the giving I did over the years.
I want to look down and see the scars I've accumulated from
putting myself in the way of tyrants and warlords and I want
to see a household filled with children whom had no home.

I want to look down and see the bruises on my legs from
sleeping on the ground with people forced out of their
homes, I want to see dirty mangled feet from walking with
my brothers and sisters in Christ in foreign countries to
stop the bleeding. I want to see this, all of this!
Let it only be for the sake of the Kingdom. I am filled
with rage at apathy, filled with grief from the lives
lost at the hands of sinister men, and filled with shame
that I did nothing for so long.
Enjoy your recliner, I would much rather die for the Kingdom
than gain weight in my chair!

P.S. Yes, I know, the truth is difficult to bear. It's easy
to hear truth that challenges us to the little "get your
life together," workshop series life renovation plans.
But this is a real call.

Weakness.

Weakness overcomes me like the waves of raging seas.
Coerced in matrimony I've married to hostility.
My breath it lasts forever when my heart's collapsed in grief.
Imagine all the living I have lived away for me .
True life will last forever when my God will make me free.

Claim.

I mentioned to someone dear to me recently, that it seemed
as though God had stripped me of all "feeling" as to make
his presence more available to me in my life. I believe that
sometimes as humans, us finite beings, we use our feelings
over our faith to convince ourselves of morality over true
spirituality which in turn are superficial. Take the New
Years resolution, for example,it's like everyone thinks that
they're going to do things different this year as opposed
to the way they did them last year despite the fact that
there's not a lot of historical precedent to back up that
hope at all.
It's a bit silly, and I don't think this is everyone but I
think the bulk of people think this because they have things
in their life that they wish weren't the way they were. Most
of this is borderline silly, and almost all of it's surface,
which is why nothing really changes.

Here's why basically, if you're trying to ,say, get in shape
and lose weight but have not done the deeper digging to try &
figure out why you use food to comfort emotional and spiritual
pain, or why you're lazy, then all you've done is put a
band-aid on something much deeper and much more problematic.
And even if you can shed some pounds, at best all you've done
is thrown some dirt over the weeds, they'll eventually push
their way through. And this is relevant to anything, any
issue at all.

This is why I agree with many of our leaders, whom love the
church but realize, there's an epidemic in the Western
Church. The majority of it IS surface, and the majority of
them do not dig deeper and truly teach. This has left many
christians today, whom may have been faithful christians for
decades even, ankle deep at best in the word. Again, this
is not a finger pointing contest, this is the stand up and
let's say, "come on people, we can do this, let's do this
together" ideology. It would do many of us so much good to
start with the Life of Christ, that's pretty obvious though.

Now hear me out, one of the only reasons why I know this to
be true is because I fit the criteria more times than I care
to admit. And I've also been many many places, and seen the
difference from the genuine depth that you receive when you
have disciplined yourself in seeking God, and the useless
canter of those who can only go so far as to claim such things.
Like in 2 Timothy 2 when Paul challenges Timothy who is like
a son to him.
He says "1You then, my son, be strong in the
grace that is in Christ Jesus. 2And the things you have heard
me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable
men who will also be qualified to teach others.3Endure
hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. 4No
one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he
wants to please his commanding officer. 5Similarly, if anyone
competes as an athlete, he does not receive the victor's crown
unless he competes according to the rules. 6The hardworking
farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops.
7Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight
into all this."

Don't just take these things at surface level, there's a lot
behind this there's a lot underneath this and there's a lot that
we need to dig into so that practically we know how to apply
what he is talking about.
And with Verse 1, the problem is when it comes to pursuing God
if you do it on your own strength you will fail outright or you
will morally succeed; and birth pride and arrogance into your life
and not be any closer to the King by obeying Jesus.
We must understand where our strength comes from, it comes from
the gospel, it comes from God's grace.

specially in our shortcomings, Jesus paid our debt.
Let's go deep, let us learn to sustain ourselves not of our own
accord but through faith that God will provide. Let us remember
that we are rich for a reason; to give. Let us remember
1 Corinthians 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink, or whatever
you do, do all to the Glory of God."

At War With Ourselves.

"From one wounded warrior to another: stand in the grace we
have come to cling to, no longer out of theological commitment,
but raw necessity."

Simple.

Beauty of style and harmony and grace and good
rhythm depend on simplicity.