I do not want to feel like I just say what you want to hear.
My mind is racing, and I cannot control my thoughts at the
moment. I contemplate God, and christianity and where I fit
in with all of it. I am not even a fraction of who I desire
to be and the intimacy between my saviour exists with a
present gap. I am broken, and I am weak. I find myself
even unmotivated at times, and others like there is nothing
that could stop me. I'm growing weary of the day to day
living, the feeling determined day, the apathy that comes
and goes. I am a sinner, I am the chief of all sinners I
feel at times; though I bear no resemblance of Paul I am
The heart is there, but the action follows by about 30-50%
at times. I read the great books like "The Heavenly Man"
and so desire for that kind of faith, that life of holiness
that seeks after God, and total reliance upon him. But I
tell you truthfully, that is not me. And I've no idea what
is keeping me from it. The obvious is sin, but what else
is missing? I'm to the point where I would beg to get my
head in line with my heart, to wash his feet with my tears
because I can bear this no longer.
I feel like my faith could move a bicycle on a good day.
So what mountains should I expect to move?! I know he is real
and I know he is my king, but what about my love bears
and resemblance that that is true within my heart. I am
a liar, I am a fiend, an elitist, prideful, selfish, and
sometimes even manipulative man. I have very little to call
my own, and very little that even makes me a man. I suppose
this is my idea of transparency, but I am at the end of
my rope. My God would you not transcend my life into
something that is worthy to you!? I've not an idea of how to
move forward and farther from what haunts me, the sins that
I carry and the people that I have hurt.
This pride is far too large to swallow, but would it vanish
through your power? This tongue has done plenty of damage
but could that not be healed by your grace? These eyes have
looked sin face to face and embraced what I swore to you I
hated, but did you not bear the cross for me!? Lord, I am
ready and willing, but I do not know what all that even
means sometimes. You must teach me, when I do seek you and
I do with all I've got at times, but I cannot do this alone.
Whatever I have, whatever that keeps me from you, take it
from me. All I want is you, but I admittedly cannot do it
without your strength. I'm begging you, strengthen me.
Give me the want to want to father; so that I may fall
deeply and madly in love with you.