Sunday, October 26, 2008

Is It Okay?

Is it okay to, I just don't know what to do? I feel so lost in so many areas of my life. Feeling like I'm going to let this person or that person down; even though it's for the best. I'm not really good with my back up against a wall, but I have a suspicion my God is trying to get to me, and I'm not listening. I may be, "listening," but a great deal of listening, is doing.

I am alive, but dead.
I am trying, but not hard enough.
I am seeking, though I am wandering.
I am beaten, only by myself.
I am treasonous, not intentionally.
I am wrong, but I know what is right.
I am not Jesus, though I want to be.
I am a sinner, I am sick of it.
I long for peace, but my actions say different.
I long for love, but I am nothing but selfish.

I would prefer more at this point it all be taken away, if it meant I would know God more. I would rather it all be gone, if I knew I could be with my God. I would give up this world in an instance because I know just how strange I am to it. These are dangerous things to say, but if I go to sleep tonight and never wake up, I can't tell you with truth that my God would know me. Often times, I go to bed wondering or thinking, I will change, and I will can do this. Rarely I sit and ask the spirit to change me, rather I spend most of it confessing.

This is where I suppose it would all be left. I cannot stand another minute of being another cookie cutter christian that HOPES he can make a change not only to the world, but first within himself. My heart won't beat forever, and mark my words, until it stops, I will make every effort to see to it that my identity is firmly rooted in Christ, and that I would never be ashamed of saying it or sharing it.
I am tired of this cheap grace mentality, this
compartmentalized living, and this audacious
transgressive lifestyle; Art Matheny best
described it as, "flipping God off."
Imagine, every time you sin, you stand before
your saviour looking him right in the eyes, and
you shout, "fuck you!"

That's what I/we/you are doing, every time!
No more. No more!
I am not what you would call a "turn or burn" ideological person, but it's very very real. And more so, our God desires our hearts; he desires the hearts of those around us that we know are so lost. Our co-workers, friends, family,strangers, etc... they need Christ just as bad as you and I do. My prayer right now is not only one of a change of heart within my heart and your convictions within this, but a prayer of a broken relationship with the Western Culture apathetic church mindset.

Micah Boyce. Centuries of Knowledge Mistake for Omniscience.

We are small
But we tower
Built up for years
With bricks of wisdom and comprehension
Look at how well
We've done for ourselves

We are frail
But we're solid
Down to the bone
But I don't feel him in my bones

Oh no, these arms are reaching
Maybe their too stiff
Maybe their too thin
Oh no, these arms are reaching

Beneath Our Noble Heads
We contain the hearts of children
If only we could lose our head
And let the youth become our necks
'Cus it's a boldfaced lie
Ya we're all gonna die
'Cus we're just passing through time
No we don't have to die

I have dressed my head, with a solid crown
Steadfast like the rest
I was a tower in the city of God
I had a strong sense of what that meant
But I was still drenched
With liquor and lust
I found I was just afraid of death
So if my words are few
I smell of the devil
And according to the rules
I'm a damned fool
And I'll probably catch flack for saying so too


taylor said...

one theme of my life that God has always brought to the forefront of every struggle i go through is action. one thing God has been teaching me recently is act and he will develop the heart and tools you need as you need them. i think andy stanley said it best in one of the podcasts i got off your computer, if you want a change of heart or to make yourself better, don't focus inwards, but attach yourself to something bigger than yourself through your actions. obviously not a direct quote but that's helps me from time to time when i need God to give me a pick-me-up.

fearoneveryside said...

this is beautiful
and touched my heart at many points and levels
beautifully written and said
you are blessed at the degree that i strive to get to in my life
thank you
have a wonderful day, sir